over it & under it, neither are true

i just keep freezing!
i've never been this "over it." the more i realize how much i'd rather be under it - to have some shelter, (an awning, green and striped, that sounds like a cat's claws on tile when the rain hits it. to protect from the storm and block out the sun.
there are certain things i should scare from. one of them, my dear, should be trying to get as far away from this as i can.
more than anything in the world, i'm scared of abandoning myself.
what am i thinking? what am i doing? what are the odds that i'm just lying to myself, anyway?
sometimes, i work and work to develop discipline. then the discipline becomes a curse, so i act as though i don't care about it. then the apathy becomes a reality, and i become unaffected by strength or integrity.
the cycle ends with a pat on a back from those i love, for being smart and responsible (it is nuts), and then i stop respecting the ones i love (and who seem to love me back) because they weren't smart enough to see through my dumb guise.
i must be really bored. this reminds me of snood.
...if snood made me puke!