i am
O
VER[F]L
O
W
ING
CaN WE end THTis cnan WE END this
1.29.05 AM
20 November 2006
If You Don't Want To Know, I Don't Want To Tell You
time is closing in & tightly gripping my waist
it's similar to living in a vice:
i know i know i want this i want this buy but why why why can't i let myself have it the
double edged masochism will hold you at the throat of those who said they loved you though
they'll shoo you away and you'll try to convince yourself that it's appropriate to settle for less and
you love hating yourself ; you don't want to make it better so you love breaking yourself but
you manage to hold together so you cut off all your hair and cry because it's gone and
promise that maybe you'll let it grow this time
hold it up build it up break it down break it off become someone else-
someone with a brain and a heart and-
someone who can get herself where she needs to go and-
someone people like and- someone people trust and-
someone who can provide for herself and-
someone who can be loved and-
promise me NEVER EVER you'll say that it was JUST BECAUSE
you said the & the fire & the books in shelves in the window and
the cars that fell into the holes in the street right where from the start
& don't hurt yourself but & hurt others in the pr&c&ss and pr&m&s& &t w&ll t&rn &&t j*st *s pl&nn&d
02.09.05 AM
it's similar to living in a vice:
i know i know i want this i want this buy but why why why can't i let myself have it the
double edged masochism will hold you at the throat of those who said they loved you though
they'll shoo you away and you'll try to convince yourself that it's appropriate to settle for less and
you love hating yourself ; you don't want to make it better so you love breaking yourself but
you manage to hold together so you cut off all your hair and cry because it's gone and
promise that maybe you'll let it grow this time
hold it up build it up break it down break it off become someone else-
someone with a brain and a heart and-
someone who can get herself where she needs to go and-
someone people like and- someone people trust and-
someone who can provide for herself and-
someone who can be loved and-
promise me NEVER EVER you'll say that it was JUST BECAUSE
you said the & the fire & the books in shelves in the window and
the cars that fell into the holes in the street right where from the start
& don't hurt yourself but & hurt others in the pr&c&ss and pr&m&s& &t w&ll t&rn &&t j*st *s pl&nn&d
02.09.05 AM
Long Walk
i would like to have
the feeling
of being important enough
to someone
for them to know when
things "are not okay"
without me needing to say
"things are not okay"
each and every time
nobody wants the work
of having to think
of deeper meaning
people gobble the things they are fed
waiting for the hand to appear
and the command to be given
before they can eat
stupid fucking shitty little things
i try to catch in others
i want to be comforted
without a cry
as a rule,
people wait
for a problem
to arise
before
they look for
a solution
instead of
trying
to prevent it
from happening
in the first
place
the feeling
of being important enough
to someone
for them to know when
things "are not okay"
without me needing to say
"things are not okay"
each and every time
nobody wants the work
of having to think
of deeper meaning
people gobble the things they are fed
waiting for the hand to appear
and the command to be given
before they can eat
stupid fucking shitty little things
i try to catch in others
i want to be comforted
without a cry
as a rule,
people wait
for a problem
to arise
before
they look for
a solution
instead of
trying
to prevent it
from happening
in the first
place
Fourt
rush down on me
regrets forbiddens
chew away away
tick to top
experimental subconscious
waiting for a moment
let us go please
underestimate
the girl's girl
other girl
breaking her stolen water
please let us go
don't underdress
the girl's girl
other girl
regrets forbiddens
chew away away
tick to top
experimental subconscious
waiting for a moment
let us go please
underestimate
the girl's girl
other girl
breaking her stolen water
please let us go
don't underdress
the girl's girl
other girl
the simple explanation
i would say
get out of my head
get out of my life
if that's what i meant
sometime things will be like
they're supposed to
get out of my dreams
get out of that place
get out of my head
get out of my life
if that's what i meant
sometime things will be like
they're supposed to
get out of my dreams
get out of that place
19 November 2006
Anthropomorphism For Beginners
porch eating night smoke
drop your sorry sword aflame
panels scraping feet
tops tipping tumbling stumbling awry
let’s manipulate
stupid things of stone
no metallic overnight
greeting his defeat
black stop (very hairy) mary mot
her endearing stare
drop your sorry sword aflame
panels scraping feet
tops tipping tumbling stumbling awry
let’s manipulate
stupid things of stone
no metallic overnight
greeting his defeat
black stop (very hairy) mary mot
her endearing stare
Honey Baby
after stating lack of obligation (like some kind of consolation) he called me honey.
'oh, spread the word as far as you can to catch some pity. get a job to earn yourself some money so we can stop writhing trying to meet your needs.'
of course i asked (before i had a will) to come here (so says your empty yearning), blaming the product of your actions for what brought it forth. a joke you can't escape! where will you go, now that your legal maniac is bound to your heels by guilt?
hell, surely?
to be loved without being accepted (cherished) is to live without feeling (turning your head).
if you are nothing to anyone how should you know to be someone to yourself?
i heard the words scraping his throat...
no, you aren't like me-
you don't hold a nine to five. you're worthless, letting your life be dominated by something you (pretend you) can't control. the only job you ever had lasted but a few weeks because you couldn't handle the criticism. child. your pain is irritating. wake up. you used to be so happy.
'oh, spread the word as far as you can to catch some pity. get a job to earn yourself some money so we can stop writhing trying to meet your needs.'
of course i asked (before i had a will) to come here (so says your empty yearning), blaming the product of your actions for what brought it forth. a joke you can't escape! where will you go, now that your legal maniac is bound to your heels by guilt?
hell, surely?
to be loved without being accepted (cherished) is to live without feeling (turning your head).
if you are nothing to anyone how should you know to be someone to yourself?
i heard the words scraping his throat...
no, you aren't like me-
you don't hold a nine to five. you're worthless, letting your life be dominated by something you (pretend you) can't control. the only job you ever had lasted but a few weeks because you couldn't handle the criticism. child. your pain is irritating. wake up. you used to be so happy.
This Box Is My Body
this box is my body:
it sleeps under my bed at night and holds my intake, charting the promises i make to myself, failures and waste.
this box helps me realize things about my soul:
i'm waiting to be validated.
i am asking to be stamped with a YES and an I ALWAYS WILL.
i stay in a place where i'm unhappy because i'm too afraid to get away.
what if i like where i go? what if i find out that this really is what i live for?
in this box i wait for something bad to happen.
i'm begging for an excuse to leave it empty, i want abuse for my excuse.
i am like everyone else:
flip a switch! knock knock knock on the door HELLO are you in there?
no, it's empty inside, just a skeleton of a house.
would someone please define me?
step up from behind and promise oh, i'll always be here to catch you.
surely that someone should be me, but i've retreated to a state of infancy where every single bubble in my body is begging for a cry of sincerity.
of an i love you for who you are, not for who you are to me.
it's a dream i'll be ashamed of later.
suck on your tongue, misses.
cut off the dead ends.
you'll be running in circles for years before you discover what the chase is about.
stop with the metaphors and be straight forward.
you want to be a writer? use proper punctuation. no sentence fragments.
hear?
don't break & mend your heart at the same time.
sutures are only able to stretch a little.
it sleeps under my bed at night and holds my intake, charting the promises i make to myself, failures and waste.
this box helps me realize things about my soul:
i'm waiting to be validated.
i am asking to be stamped with a YES and an I ALWAYS WILL.
i stay in a place where i'm unhappy because i'm too afraid to get away.
what if i like where i go? what if i find out that this really is what i live for?
in this box i wait for something bad to happen.
i'm begging for an excuse to leave it empty, i want abuse for my excuse.
i am like everyone else:
flip a switch! knock knock knock on the door HELLO are you in there?
no, it's empty inside, just a skeleton of a house.
would someone please define me?
step up from behind and promise oh, i'll always be here to catch you.
surely that someone should be me, but i've retreated to a state of infancy where every single bubble in my body is begging for a cry of sincerity.
of an i love you for who you are, not for who you are to me.
it's a dream i'll be ashamed of later.
suck on your tongue, misses.
cut off the dead ends.
you'll be running in circles for years before you discover what the chase is about.
stop with the metaphors and be straight forward.
you want to be a writer? use proper punctuation. no sentence fragments.
hear?
don't break & mend your heart at the same time.
sutures are only able to stretch a little.
it will be december soon
i thought that maybe it would go away, that it was just yesterday,
because the stab was fresh.
i've fallen ten steps back.
i woke up multiple times having a memory, thinking
'oh every time i trust i make a mistake, i hurt myself'. it's not clotting-
it's bleeding-
i'm tearing it open and i can see through the layers of skin and fat that the bone is too far away.
whenever i've been tempted to eat- the only way i really know how- i've thought weird, weird, what the fuck are you doing?, and like my insides were collapsing.
you know, everything is a conflict- and i don't push myself hard enough, long enough to get anywhere where i'll be happy.
indulgences keep me from the goal.
i keep myself from contentment as perpetual insufficiency.
conflict:
one snide remark and i'm back to where i started.
something tells me i was headed there anyway.
i want to get there faster and faster and FASTER and FASTERAND FASTER AND FASTERANDFASTERANDFASTER
because the stab was fresh.
i've fallen ten steps back.
i woke up multiple times having a memory, thinking
'oh every time i trust i make a mistake, i hurt myself'. it's not clotting-
it's bleeding-
i'm tearing it open and i can see through the layers of skin and fat that the bone is too far away.
whenever i've been tempted to eat- the only way i really know how- i've thought weird, weird, what the fuck are you doing?, and like my insides were collapsing.
you know, everything is a conflict- and i don't push myself hard enough, long enough to get anywhere where i'll be happy.
indulgences keep me from the goal.
i keep myself from contentment as perpetual insufficiency.
conflict:
one snide remark and i'm back to where i started.
something tells me i was headed there anyway.
i want to get there faster and faster and FASTER and FASTERAND FASTER AND FASTERANDFASTERANDFASTER
Community College
yellow blue walls but black sheets all on the floor,
under the black sheets in black clothes.
weights placements manners honesty:
taking notice of everything, small accents subtle movements small weights & character -
authentic happiness, unsure how to handle it & no you wouldn't listen to anything i was trying to say & no & it's not the the him
i've lost my stream
under the black sheets in black clothes.
weights placements manners honesty:
taking notice of everything, small accents subtle movements small weights & character -
authentic happiness, unsure how to handle it & no you wouldn't listen to anything i was trying to say & no & it's not the the him
i've lost my stream
We've Got Stuck Tongues
all of the comfortable smudging in my dreams has started transferring into reality.
i push the thoughts out of my head like opening a door. i pray it will go away, start to question my denial of god, wonder where it's coming from, if it will come back. i end up wanting more, stretching myself to the place where it will touch me, where lies come more easily. i wonder if it's natural, i imagine that it has to be- the things i can make were created by someone who only had natural resources.
excuse me.
i push the thoughts out of my head like opening a door. i pray it will go away, start to question my denial of god, wonder where it's coming from, if it will come back. i end up wanting more, stretching myself to the place where it will touch me, where lies come more easily. i wonder if it's natural, i imagine that it has to be- the things i can make were created by someone who only had natural resources.
excuse me.
delux
glorion: the mechanics of this disorder:
{yes?]
your independence is freely neglected; shackles are all that can bind you. shackles are all that there is in the way of security here, either be strapped to the center of public eye or prepare to disappear amongst the beggers and the thieves.
you want to stop treatment. you don't like the medicine because it makes you feel better.
do your makeup, but don't wear nice clothes.
don't say you weren't warned...
{yes?]
the liar screamed across the table,
"I'VE TRICKED YOU" with no sound but the glare from her eyes.
there's nothing you can do now, she triumphed.
"i have raised the drawbridge and can live safely in my castle..."
no one likes to detect such purity from a little girl.
nor do they like to acknowledge the cushion of misery she sleeps upon nightly,
sweet head full of curls and stifled notions of falling up from this pit and into a rainbow.
who can tell?
soft allusions to bitter days, the bread was hot coming out of the oven.
scorched on the outside but raw in the middle, the temperature was simply too high.
{yes?]
your independence is freely neglected; shackles are all that can bind you. shackles are all that there is in the way of security here, either be strapped to the center of public eye or prepare to disappear amongst the beggers and the thieves.
you want to stop treatment. you don't like the medicine because it makes you feel better.
do your makeup, but don't wear nice clothes.
don't say you weren't warned...
{yes?]
the liar screamed across the table,
"I'VE TRICKED YOU" with no sound but the glare from her eyes.
there's nothing you can do now, she triumphed.
"i have raised the drawbridge and can live safely in my castle..."
no one likes to detect such purity from a little girl.
nor do they like to acknowledge the cushion of misery she sleeps upon nightly,
sweet head full of curls and stifled notions of falling up from this pit and into a rainbow.
who can tell?
soft allusions to bitter days, the bread was hot coming out of the oven.
scorched on the outside but raw in the middle, the temperature was simply too high.
ash
i dread every day... maybe that's why i sleep late and stay up all night? i can't help those around me, and they can't help me. it's a damaging cycle.
it's hard for someone who hasn't lived it to understand that you can't just hop out of an eating disorder. it's a form of addiction. a dependency. a way of life. it's why a lot of rehab centers also treat eating disorders. you can't manifest a crutch to get out of anorexia. you did that on the way in, and you stopped being able to tell fiction from reality. now you're trapped in a world where you're forced to function, half blind and half dead. nightmares, glares, gossip. frustrating the people closest to you. panicking and doing four thousand crunches because the jeans you wanted to wear are a little bit too tight and you can't leave the house looking like such a fat pig. you've passed out on your best friend's floor and had her try to coax you into eating a swedish fish, just to get your blood sugar up, so you can walk back down to your room. you won't do it, so your friend helps carry you. sometimes your depth perception isn't so strong and you almost drive into a tree, but it's better than being fat...
so? what's the problem? why don't you just eat something?
it's hard for someone who hasn't lived it to understand that you can't just hop out of an eating disorder. it's a form of addiction. a dependency. a way of life. it's why a lot of rehab centers also treat eating disorders. you can't manifest a crutch to get out of anorexia. you did that on the way in, and you stopped being able to tell fiction from reality. now you're trapped in a world where you're forced to function, half blind and half dead. nightmares, glares, gossip. frustrating the people closest to you. panicking and doing four thousand crunches because the jeans you wanted to wear are a little bit too tight and you can't leave the house looking like such a fat pig. you've passed out on your best friend's floor and had her try to coax you into eating a swedish fish, just to get your blood sugar up, so you can walk back down to your room. you won't do it, so your friend helps carry you. sometimes your depth perception isn't so strong and you almost drive into a tree, but it's better than being fat...
so? what's the problem? why don't you just eat something?
talented people
sheath of changes silent windowpane rattling the frame barring this from that and parties
me upside down
wringing the sick sick promise me a moat a
crack tingle burn brack throb pound twinge knot all muscles knot them eat them
me upside down
wringing the sick sick promise me a moat a
crack tingle burn brack throb pound twinge knot all muscles knot them eat them
Piano Forte
Piano
Late every Tuesday
to hit and bleed
to break the strings
by abusing the keys
seven hangs of the calendar
this isn’t working
let’s open up the case
and take you away from the board
there’s pain in every corner
you aren’t the one to inform me
Hear it ::: there’s passion in beauty
Shoulders back
Back straights
seven calendars turn
don’t spit in this
Why is this a waste?
why I didn’t have a choice
Why didn’t I try?
why I don’t know how
Rabid in the back room
face in the sink
hurling my money’s worth back down the drain
she broke me when I got free
Clutch my hands around my waist
seven notches down the dial
hellish rancid sputterchokes
won’t let go until my fingers touch
Late every Tuesday
to hit and bleed
to break the strings
by abusing the keys
seven hangs of the calendar
this isn’t working
let’s open up the case
and take you away from the board
there’s pain in every corner
you aren’t the one to inform me
Hear it ::: there’s passion in beauty
Shoulders back
Back straights
seven calendars turn
don’t spit in this
Why is this a waste?
why I didn’t have a choice
Why didn’t I try?
why I don’t know how
Rabid in the back room
face in the sink
hurling my money’s worth back down the drain
she broke me when I got free
Clutch my hands around my waist
seven notches down the dial
hellish rancid sputterchokes
won’t let go until my fingers touch
Forte
This mosaic stone was 81
5 more than I
I carried it through
6 hallways
2 bathrooms
50 windows
4 doors
My mother opened the boot
for me to lay it down
as I bent the sinews popped
wires of fire burning up and down my center
interior drilling
It slipped
I really didn’t mean to
It smashed
With a whack JUST two inches above
Where it was supposed to be
Blew the blue out of my home
under a pile of clothes in my closet
numb and deteriorating
kicks went clean through
at least it was a pretty tomb
Love Song No. 3: Happy Sunday
We can list the phases and call it progress
touching our hands to the grass
grazing behind the house
Let’s turn off the clocks
unplug the computers
and stay in bed today
It’s hard to write a mixed review
on yesterday’s show
underactivating a culture
of disposable income
We’ll forge a boat through
cracking waves
let’s break the sea
and sing it’s melody
touching our hands to the grass
grazing behind the house
Let’s turn off the clocks
unplug the computers
and stay in bed today
It’s hard to write a mixed review
on yesterday’s show
underactivating a culture
of disposable income
We’ll forge a boat through
cracking waves
let’s break the sea
and sing it’s melody
white side // black side
White Side Black Side
ate impurity tuesday
always tuesday
noise/
floor
turned (you) off my head
sea cuke
barbiturates on a bedside table i
smiled my buckle broke
white side to the black side inside no baby
five six you weren't worth it
fucked up tricks pick up sticks
comfort didn't win a war
kissing didn't wreck a bank
slipping in late through the back door
he repeated the promises
watch the tickclocktockticktock til came the
knockringknockknock
WHO'S THERE
tomorrowing
i lost nights in shallow waters
boxed knights in small quarters
work will become a dream
when you cease to be a queen
ate impurity tuesday
always tuesday
noise/
floor
turned (you) off my head
sea cuke
barbiturates on a bedside table i
smiled my buckle broke
white side to the black side inside no baby
five six you weren't worth it
fucked up tricks pick up sticks
comfort didn't win a war
kissing didn't wreck a bank
slipping in late through the back door
he repeated the promises
watch the tickclocktockticktock til came the
knockringknockknock
WHO'S THERE
tomorrowing
i lost nights in shallow waters
boxed knights in small quarters
work will become a dream
when you cease to be a queen
hey boss, how much are you being paid for this job of yours?
strapped to a bayonette, i don't feel the lightning
though i'm strapped to a bayonette, i don't feel the lightning?
fried, like nothing else
i am still alive but frightened from fighting a bottomless war in a bottomless gorge with a bottomless twitch snatching my breath from the tear in my esophagus (i am the animal) when i try to consume anything that keeps the rest of them alive
give me it
but don't hold on when you capsize
because you can't stop
the cycles
that always
take you from
the yourself
when only
yourself was
the fighting
though i'm strapped to a bayonette, i don't feel the lightning?
fried, like nothing else
i am still alive but frightened from fighting a bottomless war in a bottomless gorge with a bottomless twitch snatching my breath from the tear in my esophagus (i am the animal) when i try to consume anything that keeps the rest of them alive
give me it
but don't hold on when you capsize
because you can't stop
the cycles
that always
take you from
the yourself
when only
yourself was
the fighting
closing the shutter
it's a wrong.
how would i keep
asking and asking
and with every asking
i go a little farther away
every day
i'm hanging on
clinging and clinging,
when i hold tight
my hands start to sweat my grip
it loosens
but i stay there
clutching blank space
i go a little farther away
how would i keep
asking and asking
and with every asking
i go a little farther away
every day
i'm hanging on
clinging and clinging,
when i hold tight
my hands start to sweat my grip
it loosens
but i stay there
clutching blank space
i go a little farther away
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