ash

i dread every day... maybe that's why i sleep late and stay up all night? i can't help those around me, and they can't help me. it's a damaging cycle.

it's hard for someone who hasn't lived it to understand that you can't just hop out of an eating disorder. it's a form of addiction. a dependency. a way of life. it's why a lot of rehab centers also treat eating disorders. you can't manifest a crutch to get out of anorexia. you did that on the way in, and you stopped being able to tell fiction from reality. now you're trapped in a world where you're forced to function, half blind and half dead. nightmares, glares, gossip. frustrating the people closest to you. panicking and doing four thousand crunches because the jeans you wanted to wear are a little bit too tight and you can't leave the house looking like such a fat pig. you've passed out on your best friend's floor and had her try to coax you into eating a swedish fish, just to get your blood sugar up, so you can walk back down to your room. you won't do it, so your friend helps carry you. sometimes your depth perception isn't so strong and you almost drive into a tree, but it's better than being fat...

so? what's the problem? why don't you just eat something?